“This Is Not Enough”

Waking up in loneliness, and again, this is slowly breaking my heart. Standing alone in the middle of my room, realizing that there’s no one. Just my shadow…

Just me alone.

With this heavy emptiness, with this tears that falling freely, with this sad soul in me…

Why there’s no word that can describe what I am feeling perfectly?

I wish I could cry. I wish I can save myself, I wish I will be alright…

I’m falling,

Falling into midst of misery. What a tragic story, I hope I can find happiness while falling into this deep sadness…

Why being okay is so rare nowadays?

The world is so crowded and full of human but why I feel so alone every time?

Finding something that can ease this melancholy of my soul, sadly, what I found is a lot of spaces that is waiting to be filled…

But, it can’t be,

Like every spaces of this sentences, they can’t be filled. They need to stay invisible and ignore, and that is so sad…

Those spaces are stuck and left no choice but to exist, just simple but painful as that…

Why there’s a lot of sad stories?

Like those stars in the night, they are so beautiful but they are all dead. But why they still shine?

See? Even those attractive lights are so good in pretending. They shine so strong but deep inside there’s a nothingness that is waiting for them…

Nothingness in them,

This reminds me of someone, no. This reminds me of how unlucky I am. But I am waiting, not to that nothingness…

But to finally say that,

“Those stars reminds me of how I was before…”

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“This Is Not Enough”

Waking up in loneliness, and again, this is slowly breaking my heart. Standing alone in the middle of my room, realizing that there’s no one. Just my shadow…

Just me alone.

With this heavy emptiness, with this tears that falling freely, with this sad soul in me…

Why there’s no word that can describe what I am feeling perfectly?

I wish I could cry. I wish I can save myself, I wish I will be alright…

I’m falling,

Falling into midst of misery. What a tragic story, I hope I can find happiness while falling into this deep sadness…

Why being okay is so rare nowadays?

The world is so crowded and full of human but why I feel so alone every time?

Finding something that can ease this melancholy of my soul, sadly, what I found is a lot of spaces that is waiting to be filled…

But, it can’t be,

Like every spaces of this sentences, they can’t be filled. They need to stay invisible and ignore, and that is so sad…

Those spaces are stuck and left no choice but to exist, just simple but painful as that…

Why there’s a lot of sad stories?

Like those stars in the night, they are so beautiful but they are all dead. But why they still shine?

See? Even those attractive lights are so good in pretending. They shine so strong but deep inside there’s a nothingness that is waiting for them…

Nothingness in them,

This reminds me of someone, no. This reminds me of how unlucky I am. But I am waiting, not to that nothingness…

But to finally say that,

“Those stars reminds me of how I was before…”

“Painless”

Here it is, coming back, confusing me, scaring me,

Haunting the inner peace of me. Now, I am wondering, why this is happening again? Why still coming back?

Of all people, why me? Yes, this leaving me nothing but questions.

When this feeling stop? Will it be? If yes, then when?

I’m tired…

I’m sick of this. Every time it hits, it hits me very painful that I feel nothing but just an emptiness.

Ironic. How this emptiness can be so heavy?

Hopelessly, I’m trying to be okay. Pretending to be. I hope I still can hide this feeling.

“Innocently Wounded”

At the rooftop, I stand. Thinking, what if I jump? 


I take a step, standing nearly at the edge, in the verge of crying, in the beginning of dying…


In the middle of hopelessness,


I wipe away the tears, lulling myself to sleep, so I can forget…


Standing at the very edge, balancing myself and every thing, 


Keeping my feet on the ground, hands in the air, letting the background fades…


Take a deep breath, 


Opening my eyes again, realizing that I can’t…


Seeing the dark clouds in front of me, mysterious, calming, and attracting me to go, 


Still, I can’t.


There’s this thing that holding me back, and I don’t know what is that…


Now, I ended my life, and writing my own misery,


In the corner of my room, because I’ve nowhere to go…

“Fall back down”


Hearing those noise outside the missing place, people laughs, faking each happiness, faking each loneliness, faking the reality…


Living in the world maybe they never really wanted, or they are just trapped like those sad ones, like those everyone’s laughter, trying to be as normal as it can be… 


It can’t,


Can’t hide the truth, just looking at their eyes, there’s an intense storm, clouded by that unknown deep emotions, holding back but wanted to let go and be free…


From that things that can fall them back down, to the melancholy of silence, to the nonchalance of nothing, to the nothingness of everything…


Happiness is a choice they say,


They didn’t know how we really wanted to be happy, and just be happy and nothing to be feel next, but it is not the way it is…


We can’t snap out of it, even though how many times we tried, it’s just coming back, holding as tight as if we matters a lot…
How many times do we need to feel that way?


We’re not after for the attentions if that is the thing that they’re thinking, we want to be free from that attention of unknown, we want to live normal just like them…


We, just can’t,


This misery is like a spinning wheels, keep going and going! Keep on moving and moving but just stuck in one place…


They never know how it really feels, they will never understand us, they will never as miserable as us, 


Taking a step forward and taking a couple step backwards every time it hits, that’s why we rather choose to live under the ground where our names written on it…


Even though it is hard, we continue to live like everything is okay because we’re thinking that if we do that, we will bring sadness to each one of you…


We live even if we feel mistreated by this life, we live even though it is tiring to hide, we live because we love even though most of the time we feel numb…


This is depression feels like, 


Feeling everything, overthinking everything, and ended up feeling so down and feel nothing at all…


Then breath, 


Not because we want to, but because we need to…

“Along the Bitterness”

 Another day had passed, I’ve been thrown away by my chaotic  mind, 


Somewhere, somewhere along the bitterness…


Again, 


I don’t know how to get back, and I don’t know how did I get there either, I’m lost!


Like a boat in the middle of an infinity sea, full of calm yet strong waves, ironic isn’t it? 


How light the color of the skies is, but it’s appear too dark in its reflection… 


As if forming a storm that can put these little pieces in my mind out of its cases and take them away, 


Away from my atmosphere, and letting my world disappear…


I hope they will.


When everything is gone, will I be okay? 


Like how earth rotate and keep on going on as if nothing’s tormenting happening inside?


As easy as breathing but as hard as living,


Living like a little lights up here, trying to be a flashlight but slowly vanishing in the dark…


Space is somehow the safest place to go, but there’s this gravity that obviously pulling us down, 


Pulling us to the ground where we can live normally but sadly, 


Just pretending…

“Magnetized”

Like the sunset that slowly fading in a very good way, the moon shows up its beauty in the endless glimmering dark.

Roaring mind with an intense loud of emptiness, pouring tears that full of pain.

Beating heart with a bleeding cracks on it, that’s possibly me.

Searching for a peace of mind, looking for a support, trying to heal every bruises in my soul.

That is now slowly but painfully getting worst, like those lifeless leaves during autumn,

Falling freely down to the ground, as if they are like those little pieces that finally falls into their perfect places.

I wish I was like those lucky fiery leaves…

Even though they are a beautiful lifeless thing, they still have meaning. 

Unlike me, still figuring out my purpose. 

Or do I have any of it?

Like the stars that is lively flickering up there, I wish I will be alive as them. 

I want to give light, not to everyone.

But for myself…