“11:11 pm”

“I’ll be right there when you really need me.”


“While you’re praying to God to take away your life, there’s someone who’s begging to have it even just for a little longer… “


Sorry, I was about to do it. I was about to end this so that I can set anyone around me free, free from all the burdens that I brought. But, I can’t, not now. I can’t do it. 


I’m still scared…


Scared of almost everything, everything that can possibly harm me. Hurt me and caused me pain again, I already lost it and I don’t want to get lost again. It’s tormenting!


Trust issues? Hopelessness? Wounded heart? Being mistreated? And being like this? Too much, this is too much…


I don’t know if it is because of my anxiety or it is just me being so suicidal and tired to live this life that I have now. I just don’t know, all of a sudden my mind is ruining me.


I keep motivating myself that there’s still good in my life but I find it hard to figured out if what is that. Where is that? Someone? I don’t want to hope, I just want to disappear for a while…


And killing myself isn’t my option for now. Continuing my life when I wanted to die is the bravest achievement that I have reach. I’m not sure, or until when I have this bravery in me. 


I’ll just go with this, keep going with the flow of life like a lifeless leaf that is slowly soaking and breaking apart…


Rising every morning after the stormy night, living every day like nothing ever horrible happened, and coming back to the comfort of my dark room that symbolizes my mind.


Peaceful and quite outside but completely wrecked inside and still no one knows. Tough and brave? I don’t know either…


As I’ve said, I will continue this and wait for the right time when I can finally give up. 


Gives up from everything that is holding me back, finally let go of something that is too heavy and dark, and go with them like a dust in the air…


I’m losing my mind. Almost, almost there…

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“Figment”

Totally an illusion forming inside my head, wasn’t unseen but I can feel it, I can’t touch it but I know someone’s there. Waiting…



But, until when? What if that someone gets tired and leave? What if that someone isn’t that someone that you’re expecting? What if you ended up alone? 



Drowning, exhausted, broken and wounded. Crushing heart, weakens soul, tired mind, and gloomy eyes, are you? Gonna give up?



Just let everything go and give up! Those different voices again, commanding me. They are demandingly irritating that wherever I go, whatever I do, they keep on whispering! I am getting used of them but I am tired…



Then, there’s part of me that is already gone. I don’t know how but someone already own it. I am not asking for anything but can you take care of it? Because even though, thats wounded that still beats…



Of course you don’t know because I didn’t tell you how I really felt. I can’t afford one rejection again, I can’t afford to get hurt again because I am still and I guess, forever will.


I am so broken that even me find it hard to handle. No, of course not because of you. Is it because of this and this is scary. But, thank you for letting me feel that I am still have worth…



Little by little I will get through this, will you wait? Will you wait when that time comes? When I can stand with my own feet again with no extra burden that living here, inside my head? Again, I am not asking but I am hoping…



Part of me, yes, you are. Part of you? Hey, do I have a part there? I hope I have so I can feel the comfort that you’ve promised a while ago. Away from the things that frighting me, away from the thoughts that my system have. Away from all…



You’re not an illusion right? Not a fiction? You are real and existing? I hope you are. 



Don’t lie to me, don’t make me believe in fantasy, don’t make me feel that I am lucky because I am not. You lied! You keep on lying! You’re just an imagination! Freaking anxiety!



My anxiety brought you in my mind, to invade my oh so little peace that living in there. Would you just leave? I don’t need you, nor anyone! I want to be alone…



Alone but scared, alone and confused, alone and suffering, alone and dying…



Death…



Such a wonderful word. Seems like very peaceful and calming, can I cross the line so that I’ll get there and be free? 



I just want to feel the freedom, I don’t want to be a prisoner of my own misery, I want to feel alive in there but not breathing at all…



Feel alive, feel happy, feel free but can’t move. Still tied, still tired, still hopeless but hoping…



Now, I am not breathing but I am alive. Part of me, be a part of me. Wait for me until I became free. Can you? Will you?


“Effacement of Life” 

Ongoing, clear perception, achieving goals, how life matters to me? After all the hardships and trying to be on track, I still failed it. I failed them all. I am just nothing but a complete failure to anyone around me…


Yes, if there’s tomorrow, then there’s still hope but, not to me. Everything was shining when the sun rays bumps into it but, not in me. The more the lighter the view, the more I can see how much darkness that clouding my everything is…


How much the total wreckage I’ve done, the total disappointment I’ve made, for what? For no reason, I’ve done it unintentionally but still I hurted them like as if I really meant it. I hurted and keep on hurting them every moment that passing by…


I quit school, now I don’t know if how will I work with my life. How will I deal with society and its cruelness? How will I go on? Can I quit life too? So, that… everything will really fall into their places, literally…


I am so tired having this. Having and experiencing epic negativity, tormenting views, tiring thoughts, and this hole of darkness in my heart that continues on spreading. How I loathe this! I feel so numb yet I can still feel everything…


My life is like always in autumn season. Slowly fading of colors, cracking my inner soul, weakens my faith in holding on, and finally, completely falling. Falling to the ground as if I really belong there, belong into deepest part of it…


“Decide for your own good, think about your future.” 


An advice coming from someone who can’t understand if what kind of road I am into. Deciding for my own good? What’s that? Yes, this is my life but this life isn’t good and will never be better. Not today, not in this lifetime…


How can I think about my future if every step of the way there’s something on it? Something that can break every foundation that I built to protect myself? How?


Coldness, emptiness, and exaggerated thinking is always with me. Every time I raise in the morning is a wise choice that I’ve decide every fucking day. Every little move that I’ve made is a complete achievement for me, and living this life is I don’t know anymore…


Is this a better place? Is it better to go on until I reach the dead end again? Or  it is just me and this freaking mind that is always active when it comes to pulling me down? I hate it! I hate every bit of it! 


Allowing this mass of destruction to let in  and cover all the power of positiveness into negativity wasn’t good. Now, it is time consuming to convert it back to its original phase… 


That’s how my life works. It is either putting me in best or destroying me in my every inch. Such a sad story to tell…


Escaping now is my dream, and finishing it to a very fast time is my goal…






“A little help, please!” 

Tears of a screaming loud eyes, raindrops that is falling freely from the sky above, similar in a way but very opposite in me…


Vanishing hallways when the sun goes down, those sparkling little lights above that showing guide, again, both helps but in a different way…


Killer thoughts inside my head, very loud tiny voices that gripping me down, blurry faces around is sending me familiarity of similarities that connecting randomly…


“A little help, please! A little help, please!” 


The scream of my inner peace in a very slowly and get weakens every passing seconds, will someone help?! Or it’s just myself?  Am I the only one who’s struggling and battling with this chaos? 


My surrounding isn’t safe at all, like my mind that is already filled with dark negativity, like the sight of my eyes in the mirror, it is turning bloody…


Images of my past flash like a wave of an angry sea, some are fresh and lively, and most of it are broken, fragmented, ragged, and splintered… 


A little help, please! Someone help, please!


I need all the savings, all those helpful ones who can understand but, where are they? Why I can’t find any of it? Any of them? Or even just one who’s willing to put me out of this cruelty…


Time passes, wounded is already healed, tears got dry and fade but still I am in the spot where danger is always around. I am still in the stage of being break off and halt…


Still in my own agony and distress. This is purely an imagination said of the brave one inside my head, and I can pass through it but, I won’t, coming from that voice…


Breathing and still alive but already experiencing hell. Heaven, please help! I know you’re there, can hear me, can see me if where I am and how I am feeling…


See, I’ve been through and still into its way. I cannot get out of this yet so please, help! Guide me, show some light so I can see how deep the reason of me to stay, give me some strength and bravery…


I need it… I need help… I need you…


Tick tack, tick tack, tick tack, my time is almost over whispered of the freezing voice right in my ear, they’re still here! Haunting me, would they just stay away?! 


“A little help, please! A little help, please…”


“Limerence” 

“You know if what the sad part is? It is when we both realized that we live in a wrong places.” I texted him.


And there’s a guy who is just existing in a world where only number of likes, number of followers, and connecting to everyone out there in the real world matters. I’ve known him for almost a year, we are chatting until now. According to him, I know almost everything about him which is I didn’t know If I really do. He’s a nice guy? I don’t know.


All I know is aside from having this freaking anxiety, I can still feel this unknown sensation right in my chest, that is abnormally beating when I am seeing his name popping out in my notification window. It’s weird. I am avoiding this kind of complication but why? Why this is happening? Why it is still beating when it is already dead? 


For the past twenty years of my life, if this is can be called life. I was happy during my childhood days, got confused and scared of my first panic attack that is still fresh in my memory, and now I almost, feeling that I am losing it. Sooner or later…


Back to my frustration right now, I don’t know if I am diverting my mind to something that at first, I thought can help me to lessen this misery inside my head but it turned out to be wrong. So wrong! Yes, I forget the feeling of being lifeless but something new came. Have you ever heard the maladaptive daydreaming? I hate myself for letting me get into this kind of shit. 


I just don’t know how to get out from this, I daydream massively and overthink it without noticing it. I know if where I am now but I don’t know how to get back from my old situation. This is new that sending me into agitation, it is getting worse! Why is it hard to be normal? I am trying to be one but I can’t stand from this kind of situation. It is way more time consuming and depressing. I can’t go on with my routines well like the way before when I still don’t have it. 


I want to stop from reaching out to him, I almost stop but there’s something in me that pushing me to go and continue. The idea of him making me feel alive is good but my mind and the evil inside it is a bitch! It is grabbing and pushing me into my horrible destinations that only myself knows. Am I still normal? 


He is making me happy and destructing me at the same time, I want to feel alive but I am scared. Scared of everything that is really possible, I want the attention that I am getting to him but I don’t want to be dependent on that. Because, I know the ending of this already. I need to stop!


11:23 while typing this I don’t like what I am feeling right now, this is so bothering. This is annoying, this is so unfair! Why some of people are so lucky to be alive without something unknown that creeping them? Why my living is like this? Why I am always in the edge of breaking apart and anxiousness? Why I have this?


One time, he asked me if why I don’t have problems in life. I run out of words to say for my explanation, if he just know what I am going through, for sure he will left. He will get scared, I don’t want to tell him the truth, to anyone around me if what the real deal is. I want to live with it even though it is killing me…


There’s this guy who’s thousand miles away from me but living inside my head. Maybe I am just imagining things about him, about us. Maybe he is not real and it is just my blurry imagination. Maybe he doesn’t care at all, it is just me who is assuming desperately that finally someone found me! I don’t want to hope, but I hope I didn’t know his existence. Too late?


Not yet, I have time. I have time to recovered all the emotions that I have invested. I can stop, I am not yet in the verge of falling from the cliff. I would rather be alone than dragging someone into my deepest misery. They don’t deserve it. 


I don’t deserve anyone, my life will just revolve around me not with anyone. I am okay with what I have now, I am okay with I am feeling, I am okay even though I am not. Let’s just keep it a secret until my last minute…


Goodbye…


“Lustrous yet dimmed”

Countless thoughts, depriving false hopes. Unsureness vision, those sleepless nights, and restlessness is succumbing my inner peace. Though, outside life is glimmering in an attracting way, why I feel so blue turning a little bit gray and getting dark in the end? What’s wrong with you life? Why so harsh to me? Why so good to them? Am I that bad? As far as I could remember I am a good person and the only mistake that I’ve done is to breath and live…


To live in a very judgemental world wherein mistakes and failures are easy to distinguish than my own worth, success, and capability. As a human, I am tired. Exhausted of everything especially in living. I thought I will be fine, I thought everything will put back to their own perfect places, but that was just my thought. Not really existing, but just an imitation of a high class fiction. 


If living is a mistake, and breathing is a sin, why I am still here? Roaming sadly, moving slowly, and feeling like a corpse that is just waiting to get rid off. World? Why still nourishing a miserable ones if you can lessen or wipe it out in just one blink? Yeah, suffering is too good when you’re already on it. Yet, way too tormenting.


Now, I think I need to disappear for a while to the point that no one will remember me. Not even myself, nor my soul, neither my mind. If I can be an air I wanted to float to somewhere far that nothing can feel the heaviness and sorrow that I am carrying since the day I figured it. I wanted to stay away from everything, from everyone as possible but, why I am stuck? 


Me, is just nothing but a disappointment. I feel too valued but I already knew the truth. I am nothing but a dead soul that reincarnate to become this human who’s catched the bad luck. From then on I live with this body, this body that I am destroying little by little but surely. I hope I didn’t exist anymore…


I hope I didn’t know the world and life so I can be free from anything that is holding me to be like this. I hope I didn’t know myself at all, I hope I can stop it but, this is too much to hope for. If I could bring back the time where I can still straight up all the curves, and can still choose the freedom than the wants, I will change it. But sadly, unfortunately, I can’t…


Too late, too far, and too much to ask. How to live again? How to be normal and be happy like you with no worries when the darkness covered up all the lights? How to be strong enough so I can fight even though I am swordless and weak? Can you help me? No. No one will and can understand this, no one can help, I know… 


I am just asking for strength and support but I don’t want to bug them out, so I’ll stay for a little bit longer like this. I wait. I will wait when the time comes that I can do all of those I can’t… 


“Hi, I am anxiety!” 

Tell me, how does it feel being so alone? How does it feel being hit and stuck from uncertainty again? How does it feel being alive with me inside your pretty miserable mind? Are you still okay? Stop, just stop convincing yourself that you’re fine because you’re not. I know you well, I am living inside you, creeping you when there’s a chance, holding your happy thoughts, and letting go of the negative ones to kill your confidence.

Hi, I am anxiety and we’re living together for so long. We’ve known each other for about a years and still counting, sweet isn’t it? While you feel that everyone already left, I am here. When you feel in delight, I am here, waiting. Waiting for you to realize that eventually, every happiness will fade. When you want to go on with your life in this cruel world, I am just here at your back, letting you know that the world is not a safe place anymore. You need to hide, let’s go hide in the dark and reminisce every hard times of the past chapters and let’s overthink if what another day will bring us. That’s more safer than living outside in our safe sanctuary.


You get tired of having me in your life but, hey, I will stay and I will never leave you. I am your shadow, yes, you can’t see me in the dark but still, you can feel my presence. Of course, there’s a time that you feel free because you forgot me for a while but you’ll ended up coming back to me, even though, you’re exhausted of having me. Somehow, you are getting used of my existence, and I am liking it.

I know you are in the verge of giving up, you’re just scared of letting all the positivity in you. Being weak and being a coward is okay, you don’t need to be brave every seconds of your life. Giving up sometimes is way more better and more easier than pretending that you are tough and strong. You’re such a liar! Don’t lie to me, I am your inner self, I can change you to be the kind of person that I want you to be. I can live every breath you take, I can smile when you’re sad and down, I am healthy, unlike you. Emotionally weak! 


You want to get rid of me right? Then what are you waiting for? Kill me! Don’t stop yourself from hating me, I would love that. Let’s escape the life, let’s escape the reality, the sorrowful world that full of lies and misery. Let’s go to the another dimension, which only you and me there. No blockages, no complications, no pretending, and no one will control us. Let’s go? 


Why? Why you can’t do it? Just slash it, c’mon! That won’t hurt. Yes, get that shiney gun, you can pull the trigger when you like. Point it, point it to your head, perfect! What? Just pull the trigger you sad human! You can do it, don’t be scared. Everything will be fine after that, you will be alright! Do it, pull it! 


What? You’re really that stupid. You want to stay and feel every strikes of pain and numbness? Why don’t you just hang yourself and let everyone scream tomorrow? You know, they are all tired of having you. You are a burden to them, they don’t love you! You are not important. You are a disappointment to them, see, they don’t even see that you are suffering. So what is the reason of you, for you to stay? Nothing.


If you love them, you need to sacrifice. Don’t be a selfish, unlike you, they need to live freely with no extra baggage. Yes, you’re just a heavy loads to them, so better just disappear! Alright, hang it there, get the chair and step on it. You can do it, you are not alone with this, I am anxiety, and I am here. 



I won’t leave you, I won’t leave you so that you can’t be happy, you are me. I am you. We are together. We both live. Breathing yet already died. See you soon, goodbye for now. I am anxiety and I’ll be back.