“Innocently Wounded”

At the rooftop, I stand. Thinking, what if I jump? 


I take a step, standing nearly at the edge, in the verge of crying, in the beginning of dying…


In the middle of hopelessness,


I wipe away the tears, lulling myself to sleep, so I can forget…


Standing at the very edge, balancing myself and every thing, 


Keeping my feet on the ground, hands in the air, letting the background fades…


Take a deep breath, 


Opening my eyes again, realizing that I can’t…


Seeing the dark clouds in front of me, mysterious, calming, and attracting me to go, 


Still, I can’t.


There’s this thing that holding me back, and I don’t know what is that…


Now, I ended my life, and writing my own misery,


In the corner of my room, because I’ve nowhere to go…

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“Fall back down”


Hearing those noise outside the missing place, people laughs, faking each happiness, faking each loneliness, faking the reality…


Living in the world maybe they never really wanted, or they are just trapped like those sad ones, like those everyone’s laughter, trying to be as normal as it can be… 


It can’t,


Can’t hide the truth, just looking at their eyes, there’s an intense storm, clouded by that unknown deep emotions, holding back but wanted to let go and be free…


From that things that can fall them back down, to the melancholy of silence, to the nonchalance of nothing, to the nothingness of everything…


Happiness is a choice they say,


They didn’t know how we really wanted to be happy, and just be happy and nothing to be feel next, but it is not the way it is…


We can’t snap out of it, even though how many times we tried, it’s just coming back, holding as tight as if we matters a lot…
How many times do we need to feel that way?


We’re not after for the attentions if that is the thing that they’re thinking, we want to be free from that attention of unknown, we want to live normal just like them…


We, just can’t,


This misery is like a spinning wheels, keep going and going! Keep on moving and moving but just stuck in one place…


They never know how it really feels, they will never understand us, they will never as miserable as us, 


Taking a step forward and taking a couple step backwards every time it hits, that’s why we rather choose to live under the ground where our names written on it…


Even though it is hard, we continue to live like everything is okay because we’re thinking that if we do that, we will bring sadness to each one of you…


We live even if we feel mistreated by this life, we live even though it is tiring to hide, we live because we love even though most of the time we feel numb…


This is depression feels like, 


Feeling everything, overthinking everything, and ended up feeling so down and feel nothing at all…


Then breath, 


Not because we want to, but because we need to…

“Along the Bitterness”

 Another day had passed, I’ve been thrown away by my chaotic  mind, 


Somewhere, somewhere along the bitterness…


Again, 


I don’t know how to get back, and I don’t know how did I get there either, I’m lost!


Like a boat in the middle of an infinity sea, full of calm yet strong waves, ironic isn’t it? 


How light the color of the skies is, but it’s appear too dark in its reflection… 


As if forming a storm that can put these little pieces in my mind out of its cases and take them away, 


Away from my atmosphere, and letting my world disappear…


I hope they will.


When everything is gone, will I be okay? 


Like how earth rotate and keep on going on as if nothing’s tormenting happening inside?


As easy as breathing but as hard as living,


Living like a little lights up here, trying to be a flashlight but slowly vanishing in the dark…


Space is somehow the safest place to go, but there’s this gravity that obviously pulling us down, 


Pulling us to the ground where we can live normally but sadly, 


Just pretending…

“Magnetized”

Like the sunset that slowly fading in a very good way, the moon shows up its beauty in the endless glimmering dark.

Roaring mind with an intense loud of emptiness, pouring tears that full of pain.

Beating heart with a bleeding cracks on it, that’s possibly me.

Searching for a peace of mind, looking for a support, trying to heal every bruises in my soul.

That is now slowly but painfully getting worst, like those lifeless leaves during autumn,

Falling freely down to the ground, as if they are like those little pieces that finally falls into their perfect places.

I wish I was like those lucky fiery leaves…

Even though they are a beautiful lifeless thing, they still have meaning. 

Unlike me, still figuring out my purpose. 

Or do I have any of it?

Like the stars that is lively flickering up there, I wish I will be alive as them. 

I want to give light, not to everyone.

But for myself…

“Agony”

 Sighing deeply, calming myself.

Hoping and wishing that this will end,

Counting those stars that slowly fading.

Trying to hold back my tears from falling,

But, I can’t.

Tonight, I wish that this torture will ease,

Sadly, this is uncontrollable and unstoppable.

Heavily gasping for air, I want to breath well,

Clearing my mind, taking away all the horrifying thoughts.

Ending myself is not the answer, I know.

But, that’s tempting,

If I do that, the nonchalance that I want is waiting.

Waiting for me, 

But unfortunately, that nonchalance is in deep.

Under my own sanctuary that only darkness exist.

“Those Distance”

I’m missing you, I hope you feel the same way too. I have so many questions, that I know, no one can answer. What I am into is so hard, so confusing, so hurting in a way that I got addicted to it. No. It is more than my depression and anxiety, it is way more different from that. It is a battle between my heart and to that someone who’s super far away from me. Sad. Yes, this feeling is so sad. Heartbreaking. This can make my heart bleed, can make my eyes pour a tears that can’t wipe away by a simple handkerchief, it is the kind of tears that can make me happy but so broken at the same time. Can make my heart so alive but so dying, can make me smile but slowly crying. 


Why there’s distance still? Why there’s always a blockage in every happiness? Why we can’t be together right at this freaking moment? Why we’re so far away from each other? I am missing him so much but I can’t do anything about it! I hate it. I hate this situation. This situation can cause too much emotional pain, for me, for him. For him? The question is, do I matter to him? Why I am so affected by this fascination? Why I am so affected by this heart that is beating abnormally fast and calling only his name? Why this tears is flowing down again? God, I miss him! 


Why the world is unfair? I know and I feel that I already found the someone that can make my world fully whole and complete but this distance, this distance is a bitch. Gosh, I want to be with him. Hug him. Feel him. And tell to him that all the waiting is over. But how? He’s so far! So far that I can’t reach. So far that I can’t get. So far that I can’t wipe away his tears because I know right now, he’s so feeling down. He texted me, he texted me that he need me. I hate myself for not being there the moment he needs me. Gosh, I hate this feeling. 


I want him to be okay. But I know he will not be. So, here I am. Typing all my sentiments, typing all the things that I can’t say to him. I’m scared. I’m scared that if he know all of these, he gives up. I don’t want that to happen. And I don’t want to think about that either but I can’t help it. Because that is a possibility. And that possibility can crush my heart every time I thought that that might be happened. That, that I might lost him. 


Losing him is more scarier than losing my own sanity. Because If I do lost him, I might died. Not literally but emotionally. I’m scared that If I do, I can’t take any risks again. I can’t move on. I can’t love again because I’ll be forever stuck in my own fairytale together with him. I’ll be forever drowning by my love to him, my love that only existing because of him. He’s the reason of my everything, he’s the reason why I can’t gives up this life that I have. He’s the reason why I am staying alive and heading on to my future. 


To my future because I know he’ll be there. Waiting. Waiting for me. Waiting to our own happy ending. I hope he’s really there if ever, I want to see him there, because I want him to be my finish line after all of my sufferings. To you, my motivation, thank you for being here even though you’re thousand miles away, thank you for making me strong, thank you for showing me the brighter side of every bright sides, and thank you for letting me to love you even though we are the ones who’s forever  missing each other. 


Please stay in my life and in my heart because this is the place where you really truly belongs. Please stay, because I can’t pass any days without knowing that you’re just here for me and please smile more often than being sad because, your smile can light up and brightens up my whole world. 


You deserve to be happy, so, even though it is so difficult in my part I am starting to have my distance to this distance that’s separating us. 

“Silhouette of sadness”

 You’re sad? You’re hurting? No. I’m dying…

Every single seconds, every single time that I am here I feel like I am already in deep,

I want to end this, I want to stop from crying even though, I don’t have tears…

This heaviness that living inside me, this heaviness that slowly paralyzing me, this heaviness that weakens me, I don’t like it!

What did I do for me to feel so sad? Why I am like this? Why I have this life still? Why I can’t understand this? 

I have my family, but why I feel so alone? 

Why I keep on crying every damn night without any reasons but just this chaos in my mind? Why I feel so alone even though, I am not? 

Now, I don’t know what to do.

I want to be okay, badly. But it is just that I feel like I will never be. 

Light the way for me, please. Light the way for me so I can find my reason to stay…

Because this feeling, 

This feeling is killing me…

Please, I want to be okay. 

If being okay is being in heaven, then help me to go there without hurting, without bleeding, without regretting.

Let me die in peace,

Please.