An Open Happy Letter 💕

 

Dear Lovable Soul,

Well, this feeling is getting out of control or not that really. I don’t what I am feeling, this heaviness, this numbness, this senseless life, this pure sad world. I don’t know what’s going on with me or I already know I am just scared of accepting it. No, I already accepted it, I can’t understand myself. This feeling! This feeling is undescribable or maybe describable but I just don’t know what is the right word. Misery? Melancholy? Affirmity? Plain sadness? This depression sucks! It makes you feel every single pain and be numb all at once. Get me? This is the major cruelty for human! Like sometimes I just want to be happy but the whole universe don’t want me to be. I badly want to know the reason for me, being like this, being hopeless soul. You know what I just want to disappear. To get lost, to be at a place where there’s no feeling anymore. That is way more better right? You live but you can’t feel. And then again, that idea is somehow familiar. Heck I am living in that place right now. Yes, I feel everything sometimes but most of the time I have no feelings at all. And that is really sucks! How can be this world so beautiful yet there’s this million little broken and scarred universe in every sad soul? That question is somehow enchanting, so mysterious and sad. Maybe that is the reason why most of the living human here is preferred to be alone in the darkness and just be sad because that feeling is comforting for them. I don’t know. I am numb but thinking too much, too much that it can literally torture me, mentally.

Yes, to live is to feel every wonderful emotions and deal with it after, life can be happy and sad. But for most of us life can be just so fuck up and depressing. Some says, it is all about handling your issues in life, hell yeah. It is all about handling yourself for bursting too much uncertainty in your head and continue to breath as if that was just a simple headache. That’s great! I hope we all can do it besides this millenia is all about for us hopeless and depress people. I really find that funny but being depress nowadays is very common. Some people thought that being depress is so easy now to cope, how I wish they know how easy that is. I type this because I feel so down again but it ended up me, realizing too much. Funny isn’t it? Anyway, it is raining now here I guess the weather takesover the crying for me, don’t laugh at me I am in the middle of breaking down and surviving it. So, this is for all of us sad but working humans, we can do it. We will be happy, we can be happy. We will survive it, we can survive it. Repeat this mantra in your head so that the negativity find it hard to kick in.

Please, stay alive the world need a person like you. A person who has an empty feeling but observant and kind. A very broken but so wonderful hearted. I love you everyone! 💖💕

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“Gehenna”

In this world that full of emptiness, I tried to filled every spaces with memories. Memories that was not last for long…

I stand still, defeating the loneliness and pain. Holding on to my promises, wiping off all sorrows…

But why it is coming back?

Whispering to my ears, leaving me with tears. I’m holding on but I can’t fight no more…

Murky pain, I can’t explain!This unknown misery is now again ruling me. Like those endless waves of nightmares, I just wanna wake up…

Wake up to see the new bright light, but now it is blurry. World is not the same way before, sad truth but yes, we now can’t be happy…

We just live but we’re not alive,

Souls of broken hearts are everywhere, their eyes is just like the coldness of the night. Piercing through freedom…

Wanting to be free from that uncertainty but they can’t. We can’t! We just can’t, as I walk back from behind, I once seen again the sadness through their eyes,

And mine was reflecting to theirs once again…

Welcome back to your haven, where you are not protected and covered with bliss. You are at peace but hopeless…

“This Is Not Enough”

Waking up in loneliness, and again, this is slowly breaking my heart. Standing alone in the middle of my room, realizing that there’s no one. Just my shadow…

Just me alone.

With this heavy emptiness, with this tears that falling freely, with this sad soul in me…

Why there’s no word that can describe what I am feeling perfectly?

I wish I could cry. I wish I can save myself, I wish I will be alright…

I’m falling,

Falling into midst of misery. What a tragic story, I hope I can find happiness while falling into this deep sadness…

Why being okay is so rare nowadays?

The world is so crowded and full of human but why I feel so alone every time?

Finding something that can ease this melancholy of my soul, sadly, what I found is a lot of spaces that is waiting to be filled…

But, it can’t be,

Like every spaces of this sentences, they can’t be filled. They need to stay invisible and ignore, and that is so sad…

Those spaces are stuck and left no choice but to exist, just simple but painful as that…

Why there’s a lot of sad stories?

Like those stars in the night, they are so beautiful but they are all dead. But why they still shine?

See? Even those attractive lights are so good in pretending. They shine so strong but deep inside there’s a nothingness that is waiting for them…

Nothingness in them,

This reminds me of someone, no. This reminds me of how unlucky I am. But I am waiting, not to that nothingness…

But to finally say that,

“Those stars reminds me of how I was before…”

“This Is Not Enough”

Waking up in loneliness, and again, this is slowly breaking my heart. Standing alone in the middle of my room, realizing that there’s no one. Just my shadow…

Just me alone.

With this heavy emptiness, with this tears that falling freely, with this sad soul in me…

Why there’s no word that can describe what I am feeling perfectly?

I wish I could cry. I wish I can save myself, I wish I will be alright…

I’m falling,

Falling into midst of misery. What a tragic story, I hope I can find happiness while falling into this deep sadness…

Why being okay is so rare nowadays?

The world is so crowded and full of human but why I feel so alone every time?

Finding something that can ease this melancholy of my soul, sadly, what I found is a lot of spaces that is waiting to be filled…

But, it can’t be,

Like every spaces of this sentences, they can’t be filled. They need to stay invisible and ignore, and that is so sad…

Those spaces are stuck and left no choice but to exist, just simple but painful as that…

Why there’s a lot of sad stories?

Like those stars in the night, they are so beautiful but they are all dead. But why they still shine?

See? Even those attractive lights are so good in pretending. They shine so strong but deep inside there’s a nothingness that is waiting for them…

Nothingness in them,

This reminds me of someone, no. This reminds me of how unlucky I am. But I am waiting, not to that nothingness…

But to finally say that,

“Those stars reminds me of how I was before…”

“Painless”

Here it is, coming back, confusing me, scaring me,

Haunting the inner peace of me. Now, I am wondering, why this is happening again? Why still coming back?

Of all people, why me? Yes, this leaving me nothing but questions.

When this feeling stop? Will it be? If yes, then when?

I’m tired…

I’m sick of this. Every time it hits, it hits me very painful that I feel nothing but just an emptiness.

Ironic. How this emptiness can be so heavy?

Hopelessly, I’m trying to be okay. Pretending to be. I hope I still can hide this feeling.

“Innocently Wounded”

At the rooftop, I stand. Thinking, what if I jump? 


I take a step, standing nearly at the edge, in the verge of crying, in the beginning of dying…


In the middle of hopelessness,


I wipe away the tears, lulling myself to sleep, so I can forget…


Standing at the very edge, balancing myself and every thing, 


Keeping my feet on the ground, hands in the air, letting the background fades…


Take a deep breath, 


Opening my eyes again, realizing that I can’t…


Seeing the dark clouds in front of me, mysterious, calming, and attracting me to go, 


Still, I can’t.


There’s this thing that holding me back, and I don’t know what is that…


Now, I ended my life, and writing my own misery,


In the corner of my room, because I’ve nowhere to go…

“Fall back down”


Hearing those noise outside the missing place, people laughs, faking each happiness, faking each loneliness, faking the reality…


Living in the world maybe they never really wanted, or they are just trapped like those sad ones, like those everyone’s laughter, trying to be as normal as it can be… 


It can’t,


Can’t hide the truth, just looking at their eyes, there’s an intense storm, clouded by that unknown deep emotions, holding back but wanted to let go and be free…


From that things that can fall them back down, to the melancholy of silence, to the nonchalance of nothing, to the nothingness of everything…


Happiness is a choice they say,


They didn’t know how we really wanted to be happy, and just be happy and nothing to be feel next, but it is not the way it is…


We can’t snap out of it, even though how many times we tried, it’s just coming back, holding as tight as if we matters a lot…
How many times do we need to feel that way?


We’re not after for the attentions if that is the thing that they’re thinking, we want to be free from that attention of unknown, we want to live normal just like them…


We, just can’t,


This misery is like a spinning wheels, keep going and going! Keep on moving and moving but just stuck in one place…


They never know how it really feels, they will never understand us, they will never as miserable as us, 


Taking a step forward and taking a couple step backwards every time it hits, that’s why we rather choose to live under the ground where our names written on it…


Even though it is hard, we continue to live like everything is okay because we’re thinking that if we do that, we will bring sadness to each one of you…


We live even if we feel mistreated by this life, we live even though it is tiring to hide, we live because we love even though most of the time we feel numb…


This is depression feels like, 


Feeling everything, overthinking everything, and ended up feeling so down and feel nothing at all…


Then breath, 


Not because we want to, but because we need to…